Grief and Relief

When a loved one dies does grief automatically overcome the bereaved family?

I guess not really. When Yam expired in the evening of April 17, we sort of expected the event coming. We just didn’t know when and how. Our second son, Joseph, saw it all – how Yam peacefully made her last two gasps, then expired. Mom and Janice were also in the room, John and I were rushing in.

When the hospital staff finally documented the fact and declared Yam lifeless, I calmly requested for family private time. The hospital staff obliged and we locked the room. We silently wept, clutched on to each other. Each of us knelt or stood beside the bed and held the lifeless body of our dear “bunso“. Breaking the silence after a long interval, we took turns in hugging her while she was warm. We thought it was important to accept that a loved one has just departed. And we were all there by her side.

We then took a brief time to send a message to our relatives and closest friends. And then back to Yam’s bedside. Shortly thereafter, our closest Davao-based friends informed us that they were coming. We alerted the hospital staff to allow us more time with Yam as it was normal to take the body to the morgue in an hour. They acceded to our request.

When our friends arrived, we hugged, sang songs and wept while sitting around our dear departed. We talked and focused on immediate concerns. We sorted out what family members needed to do, while they volunteered to do other necessary tasks. After about an hour, we called in the hospital staff to do what were necessary. It was time to rest in order to face another day.

We saw to it that each family member was involved, but not taxed. We figured that we needed to work by pairs, except for Dad who needed to get arrangements fast and smooth. By the time Yam’s body was ready for viewing, a handful of colleagues were there to extend condolences.

The wake brought us pleasant surprises and realizations. Yam's classmates and friends came as did Dad's and Mom's as well as her siblings' friends and colleagues. Close relatives arrived from Luzon. Calls, text messages and emails were received from all corners of the world.

But we didn't expect there were many more to come. Yam's teachers and school administrators were there. Wreaths and flowers arrived from some important people. Parents of Yam's classmates came. And there were some whom we absolutely have no connection with, who just mentioned they heard about Yam and were touched by her life story. And then there were the text messages and emails from many others, some who have not met Yam but read about her story.

The burial rites were simple. It was held at the cemetery chapel. We saw to it that we were on schedule. Pastor Mark Pineda of the Pujada Community conducted the rites. Dr. Caridad Fiar-od gave the first eulogy on behalf of Yam's relatives, friends and supporters all over. Teacher Rose Zosa talked of Yam as her student. Kaling Reyes, Yam's classmate, read Karla's (Yam's best friend) email. Dad then outlined some lessons learned from Yam's life and times then thanked everyone for everything. When it was time to lower the casket, light-green balloons were released to the air. The mourners bade their last goodbye, dropping their choice flowers down the casket. Then the bereaved family members gave the event its closure by spading in the first batch of soil that buried the casket.

There were 21 vehicles that ferried the mourners. Four buses, 4 vans and the rest were private vehicles. (May we thank PWC, UPMindanao, DNSC, DOSCST, SPAMAST, USeP, PWC, ATI-RTC, APO, Dole-Fil, Globe, Greg and Chic Mendoza, the Magdoboys, the Pujada Community, Abe, the Trio of Irvin, Lou and Malou, and to everyone who assisted in one and many ways. We also thank many others who stood by and supported us all the way since Yam got sick (no order of priority): our relatives, PCSO, First Hand, Outreach Asia, Pisay74, Bibaknets, Semians, Pisay75, NSDB-PNC7405 Alumni, the Macasaets, Pres Emer Roman, UPMin, DOSCST and Mati community, PASUC, Annabel Vega-Ganal, Atnet's Friends, Yam's physicians and nurses, and many, many others).

In sum, grief seem not to overtake the bereaved all at once. There were things that needed to get done, there were customs and rites to follow, and there were people to share with and who shared. And when people shared and were shared with - they relieved the grief many times over. The customs, rites, symbolisms and ceremonies are time-honored and time-proven ways to relieve the grief and salve the pain of the bereaved.

I remember what a high school classmate once wrote, which I paraphrase: "Joy when shared by many, multiplies in awesome proportion. Sorrow when shared by others, divides infinitesimally." How great are the ways of the Creator.


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